When It’s Not Benign: The Gift of Love
I’ve been in judgment of my body for as long as I can remember. There’s a saying that when I point a finger, three are pointing back at me. In this case though, when I’m in judgment of some aspect of self, it’s not just four fingers pointing at me, it’s me pointing at my whole being. Going well beyond the physical, it goes deep into my mental and emotional bodies.
Anger, sadness, hate, shame, unobtainable rules of perfection, all pointed inward. When I sit in judgment of how I look or how I feel, I’m pouring all of that energy within.
We’re raised to think of ourselves as physical beings. But this paradigm limits us, it separates us from our true selves, We’re here to experience life as conscious beings, on levels far beyond these cells that make up our form.
There’s lots of books and blogs out there about loving our bodies. Years ago, I bought a book specifically about this. It talks about getting rid of the fat-shaming wardrobe, wearing clothes that fit, saying affirmations and nice things to myself, mirror work, to love ourselves no matter what. For me, this never went far enough. It never got to what was underneath.
Don’t get me wrong, I love affirmations. But many times, they became a mental exercise. I could look in the mirror, day after day, and say “you’re beautiful, you’re awesome, you’re perfect as you are.” Mentally acknowledged with a big disconnect in my heart. In this case, mind over matter didn’t win. In some ways, it made me feel worse because I wondered why I “didn’t’ get it.” It instilled more shame because I felt like I was missing something.
These thought patterns are instilled early and they continue with us to this day. (Read part 2 of the series) There’s lots of people and groups that are more than happy to tell you what’s wrong with you. Those unobtainable rules of perfection. Ahem — perfection according to whom? Guidelines to fit you into a box do just that. A box based on someone else’s perception that fits their rules.
It’s not your box, nor are the rules necessarily best suited for you.
How do we get past it? I made the decision and commitment to let go of the judgment. I’m done sending negative energy into my body. Will I be perfect? Of course not. But I catch myself more quickly when I begin to point a finger or have a not so positive thought.
This body’s brought me a long way. Through many adventures, lessons, play, love, and lessons. My body, your body, is a gift. Gifts to be appreciated, even treasured. If you think of a gift someone gave you, that every time you see it, you smile and it brings light to your heart. It’s time I do the same with my physical being.
I have a lot more living to do and I’m not here to experience it feeling like a have a cloud hanging over my head. I did that for a long time and I’m done.
Do I love that I have a breast cancer, a tumor within my being? No.
Am I looking forward to surgery and radiation? Absolutely not!
All of our emotions come down to fear or love. I carried fear for a long time. The pendulum’s swung back and forth many times. I like the calm of center.
This may sound paradoxical, but of late I’ve been sending love to my tumor. I place my hands over my breast, like I’m holding a treasure, and I send love into it. Into me. Feeling it from my heart. And I smile.
I don’t know what caused this mass, but it’s here for a reason. I believe this is one of them. To finally let go of the judgment of my body, the unobtainable perfection. When I think about it, why would I be in judgment and hate the very vessel that allows me to be here on this planet?
